Jess's Mess

damncops:

siriuslynotamuggle:

nuncamais:

hula-hope:

My grandpa has Alzheimer’s so he has no idea who my grandma is but everyday for the last three or four months he brings her in flowers from their garden and asks her to run away with him and be his wife and everyday she says she already is and everyday the smile my grandpa gets on his face is the most beautiful heartfelt thing I have ever seen.

is that satan

yes

yeti-detective:

claracupcakes:

claracupcakes:

razzle-dazzle-rose:

claracupcakes:

A boy I’ve been flirting with gave me his number but he doesn’t have mine so I’ve been texting him pretending I’m a dinosaur.

Excellent flirting skills

Guys. He has his own dinosaur.

I asked him if he wanted to get a drink sometime.

Literally one of the most thrilling relationships of my life began with me accusing the other person of secretly being a velociraptor.

stoneandbloodandwater:

how to walk like a queen [x]

Okay so this shit is in my likes and it’s come across my dash a few times since but this is the first time I’ve seen it since the following happened to me:

One time I was in Manhattan and I had a lot of walking to do and I was bored and was thinking about this gifset and I thought, huh, lets try it. So I did and I was thinking queenly, murderous thoughts and trying to see if people were more willing to get out of my way when I walked like this and then, I watch a guy pass me, do a double take, then a triple take.

Then he engages me in polite conversation for a block or two, tells me I have beautiful hair, then asks me out of drinks. 

CHARLIZE THERON IS A SMART LADY BUT HER ADVICE IS POWERFUL. USE IT WISELY AND WITH CAUTION, MEN MIGHT START THROWING THEMSELVES AT YOU.

lickmyeyeballsss:

c-oralistah:

shrinking-ulzzang:

rabid-logan:

barbie-isalive:

This is very important if you’re ever in a situation similar this pretend that you’re dead don’t scream and @#!*%

my dad told us this if someone shoots up our school
SUPER IMPORTANT
BEST TIP
PLEASE REMEMBER THIS

not even a joke we learned this in Police Explorers and put it on your clothing as well but go quickly because you don’t know where the person is.

i will never not reblog this


HELLA IMPORTANT!!!

lickmyeyeballsss:

c-oralistah:

shrinking-ulzzang:

rabid-logan:

barbie-isalive:

This is very important if you’re ever in a situation similar this pretend that you’re dead don’t scream and @#!*%

my dad told us this if someone shoots up our school

SUPER IMPORTANT

BEST TIP

PLEASE REMEMBER THIS

not even a joke we learned this in Police Explorers and put it on your clothing as well but go quickly because you don’t know where the person is.

i will never not reblog this

HELLA IMPORTANT!!!

tandembicycleschyeah:

severingsnapes:

sammys-luscious-locks:

inhalers:

being addicted to american tv shows is so annoying because you guys have so many stupid fucking holidays for everything that every other week im disappointed when I go to see if the next ep is up yet and its like nOPE it’s fucking ‘armadillo day’ or something in the states ffs

That’s funny cause in Texas armadillo day is a real thing

arE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS

image

vesticle:

AW LOOK AT HIM HE LOOKS SO PROUD OF HIMSELF LOOK AT THAT LIL SMILE OMG I CAN JUST FEEL THE HAPPINESS THIS DOG IS BEAUTIFUL OMG 

hitlervevo:

my social studies teacher once told us “human beings are the most selfish of all. even when someone dies, you shed tears only because they are no more around to provide you with whatever they had been for so long”

and it has been 3 years since she said this and this is still what i think about at night

artichoke-that-hoe:

booty game too strong

artichoke-that-hoe:

booty game too strong

stupidswampwitch:

masooood:

safeidgul:

Why can’t there be a male hooter’s equivalent where male servers are shirtless and highly sexualized for their bodies and looks

Male Strip clubs. You’re thinking of male strip clubs.

No. Not a male strip club. A strip club is a strip…